NEW YORK – The chairman and CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery’s David Zaslav today announced a new partnership with Snapchat that will see HBO Max content removed exactly ten seconds after subscribers start watching.
“I think we’ve finally hit the idea jackpot! explained an enthusiastic Zaslav. “We had shit on a tonne recently for canceling major projects and deleting content like thieves in the night, so today I’m thrilled to announce a new partnership with Snapchat that will give our valued customers a whole ten seconds heads up before we delete definitely their favorite shows from our Platform. We want to remind our viewers that content is fleeting – you shouldn’t try to keep your favorite movie or TV show, or your job at HBO Max, because it all fades eventually. Even if it is specifically our fault and no one else’s.
HBO Max subscriber Kelly Drysdale would be glad the streaming service she’s been paying for since launching in 2020 is finally putting viewers first.
“I was upset at first when I heard they were doing shitty stuff that I wanted to watch,” Drysdale said. “But they must have heard everyone’s complaints and quickly struck a deal with Snapchat to offer this amazing new service, which will give us the opportunity to watch the first scene of our favorite show, or at least ten seconds of it. I guess I’ll just read a recap of the episode on Reddit or Twitter or something? Wait, that sounds like a fucking horrible idea, is that some kind of joke? I must have been stoned when I first heard about it. I have a very serious drug problem.
Netflix CEO Reed Hastings harassed us for an interview when he heard we were doing a story about a messing up media company that wasn’t his.
“Fuck yeah!” Hastings yelled, desperately trying to clap the hands of the people around him. “We’ve been in deep shit all year after failing to meet financial targets and announcing a new ad-supported compensation tier that no one wants. Well, that’s all forgotten for now thanks to the big guys. brains from Warner Bros. Discovery who got us all fired up with this steaming stack of ideas. You have my promise that Netflix will never offer such an insulting and offensive service to our loyal customer base. You know, what’s left of it.
As of press time, Zaslav was busy laying out another big plan to remove all media content entirely and just register as a CPA firm already.